Failure. No one likes to befriend failure, the F-word, regardless of how you sugar coat it. But, inevitably, failure is a part of life. Sometimes things don't work out. At times we don't get what we want. Stuff happens. But if you reconstruct these situations the right way, one learns to create a new normal; to endure, to be more flexible, or to redirect our energies.
Failure is extremely hard for everyone, but more so, for overly ambitious kids. They are unaware of how to deal with this unaccustomed territory. It kills their self-esteem because they associate their performance to intelligence and brain power. And, it isn't a pretty picture. We need to give our children more wings and opportunities to embrace failure. They need to learn the skills and know-hows of how to build a relationship around it. Experiments may fail, data won't look right, someone may make better presentations, and even present them better. So many places to learn persistence and resilience.
I feel rebranding failure might be one of the many cures for the fear of failure in children. If your child has learnt something from the experience, he/she hasn't failed. Whatever they did was all a part of some kind of learning mission. Schools, too, have this failure-thing all messed up. They strive on getting the answer, but it is the question and the various ways in obtaining the answers that are more instructive. It's the pursuit in finding answers that they learn. Often, you'll hear kids say, "This may not be the ideal answer, but.." Kids fear sounding dull-witted. They fear being looked upon like a failure. It's OKAY to put forth your ideas and discuss them.
Schools and parents need to make space for asking questions as a safe and sacred haven for children. No one knows it all. If answers are unknown, "let's find out together" should be a more realistic approach. Education's primary focus on finding the "right" answer and having "good" grades makes kids afraid of asking questions. Schools harbor the fear of failure, which causes unnecessary work load on performance, and does not enhance learning at all.
At the same time, it is ironic that kids are the world's highest risk-takers. They'll want to balance on curbs, grab and reach out to shiny objects, discovering the world around them. Somehow, that sense of curiosity and discovery is lost in schools and classrooms. Educational institutions need to reinforce that risk-taking skills in them within their premises as well.
Kids need to be taught great stories on failure. How successful people have tried and failed in various fields, and still emerged triumphant. Every 10 tries to reach a particular result will teach them 9 ways that didn't work. Those are valuable lessons, too.
I feel, to weaken the fear of the F-word in children, parents and schools should be more open to the idea of failing. Kids should be encouraged to report what they learnt from taking a risk. They should see us as more approachable in asking questions and sharing their experiences. Because to succeed, they NEED to shake hands with failure. Failure will make them more kinder, better, stronger, and a wiser human being.
So, teach your kids the F-word. Have them get out there, and FAIL!
